On December 31, I had grand plans for this blog’s resurrection. My Evernote was filled with post ideas, my resolve to blog regularly was firm, my purpose for writing had been clarified. And then it all went to shit.
And by “distractions,” I mean life. Work picked up, I’ve been traveling virtually every week since the new year, SNAP! began rehearsing…
If I’m honest with myself, that’s nothing but a bunch of lame-ass excuses. I believe that you make time for the things that are important to you and that bring you joy. And I just flat-out failed on this one. The truth was, it wasn’t that important to me, relative to other things that had been going on. And it no longer gave me joy, because I felt this pressure to live up to some glorified, self-imposed standard of female badassery. Nothing that I had to contribute to the blogosphere felt worthy of putting out there.
Which brings me to the point of this entry.
As women, we tend to be our worst critics. We are quick to beat ourselves up over that one time we dropped the ball… instead of being our own cheerleader for completely killing it the other 99% of the time. We find it hard to accept compliments without excusing them away (“Oh thanks, but I had a lot of help on that report”). We shoulder guilt when we are direct, afraid that we have come across as bitchy (but our male peers never have to think twice about it, and are commended for their boldness). We hold ourselves back when we are certain we wouldn’t be superb at something (what ever happened to doing something for the fun of it?).
Some may think that this mindset is imposed upon us by a society that sets the female standard. But I say, BULLSHIT. We are responsible for our own standards. I am so over not being able to enjoy something because I feel guilty, humble, scared, or disappointed. Because before I am a woman, I am first and foremost a human being. Just like all those dudes who don’t think twice about being direct or aiming for a job title out of their leagues. Which means I have just as much of a right as them to do and think and feel those things. I am human.
As humans, we fail. We learn. We try again. We take risks. We get scared. We get over it. We triumph. And we deserve all of the wonderful feelings and rewards that come with those victories.
Yesterday, I did something that was incredibly difficult for me. I shared a recent client deliverable with the rest of my Strategy team. I was not happy with the state of the deliverable. It was problematic in places, and brilliant in others. But in the spirit of being a human, I dipped my toe into the pool of vulnerability, shared, and asked my team, “How can I make this better?” I try to be very smart, inspiring, calm and collected with this group. So to expose my flaws was equal parts terrifying and gratifying. There were pit stains involved, for sure. Along with sweat in other crevices.
Because I believe that real is so rare these days, I’m amending my new year’s resolution.