Not-an-It-Girl, 2014: Top 10 Celeb Falls from Grace

Ah, 2014 has come and gone. What a year! As I pondered what a “recap” post might look like for this blog, I thought about highlighting the top “It Girls” of 2014. But I ran into an interesting quandary: there are SO many amazing, inspiring, powerful females in this world that it would be some tough shit to narrow such a list down.

So I’m taking a tongue-in-cheek approach to my review of 2014. You see, I spent Christmas in Texas, where I got some quality time with my two youngest sisters, Amy and Laura. And, Laura and I share an intense affinity for hellacious celebrity gossip. As we pored over tabloids and a certain blog entry of 2014’s most fascinating people, it dawned on me.

Laura and I had a calling. It was clearly our mission to highlight all the “Not-an-It-Girl”s of 2014! I mean, it just comes down to the math, really: my sass + Laura’s intense knowledge of every detail of celebrity lives + a plethora of Hollywood hot mess-ness = comedic gold.

So Laura (who blogs over at Livin’ La Vida Laura, btw) and I are teaming up to present to you…

 

Top 10 Celeb Falls From Grace (2014 Edition)

 

This list documents the grandest downfalls of 2014 and, since my corner of the interwebs is all about female badassery, we are limiting it to just the women of Hollywood. Think of it as a series of “what not to do” examples. Warning: this is about to get 10 kinds of critical and judgy. All in good fun. Although there IS an important lesson at the end, which I promise is uplifting and on-brand for this blog.

And away we go!

 

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10. Bruce Jenner

{ nominated by: Laura }

Well, my sister and I are staying true to our word. This list is only composed of Women in Hollywood. Bruce: multiple facelifts, elaborate highlights, long ponytails, and fancy manicures. Is a name change next?? I like Brittany. You look like a Brittany. PS: don’t be ashamed Britt. Being married to Kris Jenner for 20+ years would make me do crazy things too. We all just applaud you for getting the hell out. Hence why you are #10 on our list. We don’t really consider you to be a “fall” from grace; rather you’re pursuing your true essence. You do you, Brittany.

Bruce

 

9. Kendra Wilkinson

{ nominated by: Laura }

Poor Kendra. She is certainly someone I had hoped would never go on a list like this. Yet, here she is. And it’s all her creepy husband’s fault. I am a big fan of the “rags to riches” stories, and I was so happy when she settled down from the Playboy mansion to become a wife and mother. I watched her reality show for a while until her life just became too vanilla for me (which is a good thing in Hollywood). I was thrilled to see she was pregnant again this past year, and I actually believed that Hank and Kendra were making it as one of Hollywood’s “normal” couples. Then, hell broke loose and Hank got horny. For a transsexual. Why. Why, Hank, why. Your wife is 8 months pregnant with your first DAUGHTER, and instead of sneaking out of the house to go play golf with your buddies or even gamble and lose a couple thou, you leave to sleep with a transsexual. How will you ever look your children in the eye? How can you live with yourself? I guess the real fall from grace in this situation is you, Hank. Shame on you. You don’t deserve such a forgiving and loving wife as Kendra. Kendra, I applaud you for committing to marriage and forgiving the man you love. But honey, you deserve better. I’m sorry, you just do.

Kendra+Wilkinson+Kendra+Wilkinson+Cheers+Son+-WJjOIWH2Rel

 

8. Tori Spelling

{ nominated by: Carolyn }

I haven’t really thought about Tori Spelling since her “90210” days because she’s rather boring. I usually breeze right past her pages in the tabloids, with scary skinny pics of her coming out of Costco with a gaggle of manly-looking children (thank your husband Dean for that, Tori). But then I caught about 2 minutes of an episode of her reality show in which she and Dean argued over how to microwave a baked potato (trust me, it’s even less enthralling than it sounds). I felt a wave of pity for this washed-up actress. She’s clearly stressed, anxious, a control freak, dealing with a cheating husband and – most importantly – malnourished.

ToriPotato

 

7. Kristen Stewart

{ nominated by: Laura }

Where oh where did Kristen Stewart disappear to? Hopefully far from Hollywood, forever. After cheating on Edward Cullen with a director twice her age and being a skanky homewrecker, no one wants to date her or hire her. Keep it up, Hollywood. Another year of shunning and we may have permanently gotten rid of the worst fake cryer in history.

Kristen

 

6. Kylie Jenner

{ nominated by: Carolyn }

There is an inverse (yet causal) relationship between the downfall of Kylie Jenner and the increasing size of her lips. Her fall from grace is also a classic example of what happens when Rob Kardashian goes into hiding and the youngest of the clan is left to fill the shoes of the misfit, worthless younger sibling. Poor Kylie. She’s just trying to find herself. Hopefully her self-esteem is salvageable somewhere amongst the plethora of lip lumpers, selfies, hair dye and inappropriately older C-list rapper boyfriends.

kylie2 copy

 

5. Leah Calvert

{ nominated by: Laura }

Love me some Teen Mom. Hate me some Leah. I haven’t always hated her. In fact, she was my favorite, up until this latest season. I admired her and Cory’s relationship as co-parents and thought she was truly a great mother to her twin daughters. I also admired Jeremy and how hard they worked to provide a good life for their girls. However, the second Leah got that hideous “mom” haircut and doubled up on the anxiety pills, all hell broke loose. She was picking fights with Cory which in turn brought him to fight for custody of the girls, Jeremy started pushing her away because she wanted to solve everything with counseling, and their youngest daughter continued to only be seen in a diaper. At age 2. Yikes. Now there are reports that she’s cheated on Jeremy, and she and Cory are still locked in a bitter custody battle. Now Leah doesn’t want to come back to Teen Mom for another season. Good idea, Leah. Get your s*@% together.

leah-messer

 

4. Renee Zellweger

{ nominated by: Carolyn }

Look, I am all for ladies doin’ what they gotta do to feel good about themselves, but when it comes to your money-maker… how can ANYONE feel good about this?!

Renee

 

I just can’t.

 

3. Amanda Bynes

{ nominated by: Laura }

Part of me feels like we are going to hell for putting her on our list because she is clearly suffering from a mental illness. But then the other part of me thinks that, hey, she made her Twitter account public, so how could I not comment on her downward spiral. I called her mental breakdown five years ago when she “retired” from acting at age 25. Oh, were you just so exhausted from all of your award-winning films, Amanda? Oh wait, “She’s the Man” and “What a Girl Wants” were snubbed for best picture? What a crime. That really must have been the beginning of the end for the “poor girl.” I admit that I only started following her on Twitter when her tweets made the local news, and let me just declare: they have not disappointed! From her ever-changing hairstyles, to her bold opinions about her crushes in Hollywood, I certainly hope the “chip” inside of her head eventually tells her to listen to her parents, go to rehab, and stay there for a while.

Bynes

 

2. Teresa Giudice

{ nominated by: Carolyn }

As a long-time RHONJ fan, this is a tough one for me. Not because I’m #TeamTeresa, but because there is SO. MUCH. MATERIAL to work with here. Do I start with her freakishly small forehead and aggressively groomed ‘brows? No, she can’t help what she was born with. Do I attack her severe lack of grammatical prowess? Or how about her alleged culinary skills? Or disgustingly and unnecessarily extravagant lifestyle that landed her jail time? Nah, all too easy. What I take greatest issue with is her grossly questionable parenting. Gia is slutting is up all over YouTube, Milania is a raging spoiled bitch, Audriana has overdosed on animal print, and that middle daughter (what’s her name, Gabriella?) is totes overlooked and ignored. SHIT STORM of child rearing. But in spite of this, my biggest question is whether Teresa will make a cameo on Season 2 of “Orange is the New Black” (she IS heading to that very prison, after all). Can’t you just see her as Crazy Eyes’ new bitch? (I can)

CrazyEyesTeresa

 

1. Mariah Carey

{ nominated by: Carolyn }

Exhibit A:

I can feel empathy for someone who ages, gains weight, and generally lets themselves go. So in that respect, I feel for Mimi. But, when your talent fades because you didn’t take care of yourself, and you (unjustly) behave like a diva because in your crazed mind, you still think you sound like that slender, 20-year-old songbird… then I no longer feel sorry for you. You brought this on yourself. Do you think Celine Dion would ever give a performance like this? Aw hell no. Because she takes care of her instrument and frankly, just gets better with age.

 

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I had a conversation with Michael regarding whether I should even write an entry of this nature. Admittedly, it is petty and pessimistic, and my intention with this blog is to celebrate and uplift.

That said, when I look at these instances, these “falls from grace,” it not only mildly entertains me, it truly frustrates me. More than anything, what I see in these women is confusion, fear, anxiety and wasted potential. Sometimes, it IS helpful to look at what we don’t want to become. It’s a reminder to be grateful for what we have, and to always strive to be better.

Thanks for entertaining this new format.

Deuces, 2014!

 

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